The 5 stages of grief: understanding and supporting the process
Introduction
Losing a loved one is profoundly devastating. The pain seems insurmountable, emotions overwhelm us and we sometimes feel lost facing what we're experiencing. Yet, grief follows a psychological process that many people go through, even though each experience remains unique.
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five stages of grief that help understand this emotional journey: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This model offers valuable markers to recognise and name what one experiences after a death.
Understanding these phases of grief doesn't mean going through them in a linear manner or in a precise order. Some people relive the same stage several times, others skip certain ones. There is no "right" grief nor normal duration. Each journey is legitimate.
This guide helps you identify the different phases of the grieving process, understand the emotions that accompany them and know when to seek psychological support. Whether you're going through this ordeal yourself or wish to support a bereaved loved one, this information will provide you with essential understanding.
📌 Summary (TL;DR)
The model of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) offers markers for understanding the emotional process after a loss. These phases don't follow a fixed order and each person goes through them in their own way. Recognising these stages helps to better experience one's grief and identify when professional support becomes necessary.
📚 Table of contents
The Kübler-Ross model: origins and limitations
In 1969, Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published her seminal work On Death and Dying. In it, she describes five stages of grief observed in terminally ill patients: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
This model has become a global reference for understanding the grieving process. But be careful: it is not a mandatory or linear path. Each person experiences their grief differently.
Some stages may be absent, others may overlap or return several times. The model offers markers, not an absolute rule. It helps put words to complex emotions, without imposing a single path.
Understanding these phases of grief allows us to better welcome our own reactions and those of our loved ones. It's a tool for understanding, not a diagnosis.
Stage 1: Denial
Denial is a psychological protection mechanism in response to the announcement of a death. The brain temporarily refuses to accept the reality of the loss, too brutal to integrate immediately.
This phase manifests through emotional shock, numbness or a sense of unreality. You may have the impression that the person will return, that it's a mistake. Daily routines sometimes continue mechanically.
Denial is not a conscious refusal: it's a normal and temporary reaction that allows one to gradually absorb the news.
Practical advice:
Allow yourself the necessary time without judging yourself
Don't force yourself to "realise" immediately
Surround yourself with caring loved ones who respect your pace
Accept that this phase is part of the natural process
Denial generally dissipates on its own as reality sets in.
Stage 2: Anger
When denial fades, anger often emerges. This intense emotion can be directed towards oneself, medical staff, the deceased person, or even fate.
The manifestations are varied: irritability, profound sense of injustice, reproaches, unanswered questions ("Why them? Why now?"). This anger reflects the revolt against helplessness and loss of control.
It is essential to understand that this anger is legitimate. It is an integral part of the grieving process and should not be suppressed or judged.
Advice for managing anger:
Express it in a healthy way: physical activity, writing, art
Talk about it with a trusted loved one or therapist
Avoid repressing your emotions
Recognise that anger often hides profound sadness
Accepting this phase allows you to go through it without getting stuck.
Stage 3: Bargaining
Bargaining is a phase where the mind attempts to negotiate with fate, a higher power or oneself. Thoughts go round in circles: "If only I had called earlier...", "What if I had insisted they see a doctor...".
This stage is often accompanied by intense guilt and a search for retroactive control. One tries to mentally rewrite the past to avoid the loss.
Bargaining is an attempt to make sense of the senseless, to regain control over a situation that completely escapes our control.
How to navigate this phase:
Identify these thoughts without judging them
Accept that you couldn't control everything
Talk about your guilt with a loved one or professional
Remind yourself that you did your best with the information available
This phase eventually subsides when we accept the limits of our power.
Stage 4: Depression
The depression phase occurs when the reality of the loss fully sets in. It is often the most difficult moment of the grieving process.
Symptoms include profound sadness, withdrawal, loss of interest in usual activities and intense emotional fatigue. The world seems emptied of meaning and colour.
It is important to distinguish grief-related depression — a normal reaction to a loss — from clinical depression which requires specialised medical care.
Advice for this stage:
Respect your pace without feeling guilty
Maintain simple routines (sleep, eating)
Accept help from your loved ones
Don't isolate yourself completely
Consult if symptoms persist or worsen
This phase is part of the path towards acceptance. Discover how to support a loved one through this stage.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Acceptance doesn't mean forgetting or the end of sadness. It's the gradual integration of the loss into your life, the ability to live with the absence.
At this stage, you regain the ability to project yourself into the future, to feel moments of joy without guilt. The pain remains present, but it no longer dominates every moment.
Acceptance allows you to preserve the memory of the deceased whilst continuing to move forward. Moments of relapse are normal, particularly during anniversaries or significant dates.
Signs of acceptance:
Ability to speak about the deceased without paralysing pain
Gradual return to activities and projects
Moments of inner peace
Desire to preserve memory in a constructive way
Honouring the memory of the deceased helps in this process. Wolky Memories memorial pages allow you to create a lasting space for reflection to share memories and photos with your loved ones.
Beyond the model: understanding the non-linearity of grief
The Kübler-Ross model is useful, but the reality of grief is rarely linear. The stages can overlap, return several times or never manifest.
You may feel anger and acceptance on the same day, or move directly from denial to depression. Some people only go through two or three phases.
Other contemporary models exist: William Worden's "tasks of mourning" or the dual process model which describes a constant movement between confronting the loss and restoring daily life.
The essential thing is to understand that there is no "right" or "wrong" grief. Each journey is unique and deserves to be respected in its complexity.
Your grief belongs to you. It follows its own rhythm, with its advances and setbacks.
When to consult a professional?
Certain signs indicate that specialised psychological support may be necessary. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Warning signs:
Suicidal thoughts or desire to join the deceased
Prolonged inability to function daily (several months)
Abuse of alcohol, medication or substances
Total and lasting social isolation
Persistent denial of the reality of death after several months
Severe and lasting depressive symptoms
Available resources:
Psychologists specialising in grief support
Support groups for bereaved people
Bereavement support associations
EMDR therapies for death-related trauma
A professional can help you through this ordeal without judgement. Also learn how to effectively support a bereaved loved one.
Grief is a deeply personal process that doesn't follow a fixed trajectory. The five stages described by Kübler-Ross offer a useful framework for understanding, but everyone moves forward at their own pace, with back-and-forth movements between different phases. There is no "right" path nor normal duration for going through this ordeal.
The essential thing is to allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgement and to accept that some days will be more difficult than others. If you're supporting a bereaved loved one, your caring presence and patience make all the difference. Don't hesitate to consult a professional if grief becomes too heavy to bear alone.
Wolky supports you through these difficult times by allowing you to honour the memory of your loved one with dignity and simplicity. Create a space for reflection accessible to all, where family and friends can share their memories and support one another.
