Supporting a bereaved loved one: simple and effective gestures
Introduction
When a loved one is going through bereavement, we often feel helpless. What should we say? What should we do? How can we help without being clumsy? These questions are normal and reflect your sincere desire to bring comfort.
The truth is, there's no magic formula. Everyone experiences grief differently. But certain simple and concrete gestures really make a difference. Your presence matters more than your words. Practical help is often worth more than a long speech.
This guide offers concrete actions to support a bereaved loved one in an effective and respectful way. You'll find ideas for material, emotional and administrative help, as well as mistakes to avoid at all costs. We'll also discuss the importance of long-term support, because grief doesn't stop after the funeral.
Whether you're a close friend, family member or colleague, you have a role to play. Even small gestures count. And if you're looking for the right words to accompany your presence, consult our guide on how to express your condolences with respect and sincerity.
📌 Summary (TL;DR)
Supporting a loved one in grief involves concrete gestures: material help (meals, shopping), regular presence and non-judgemental listening. Avoid stock phrases and comparisons. Maintain your support beyond the first few days, because grief extends over time. Don't hesitate to suggest professional help if necessary, whilst taking care of yourself.
📚 Table of contents
Why your presence matters more than your words
Faced with a loved one's grief, many hesitate to reach out for fear of saying or doing something clumsy. This fear often leads to avoidance, when the bereaved person actually needs support.
Your simple presence has more value than perfect words. Being there, physically or by message, shows that the person is not alone. Grief is not limited to the first few days: it extends over months, even years. Your continued support makes all the difference, even if you don't know what to say.
Don't wait to have the right words to reach out. Your sincere presence is better than absence justified by the fear of doing wrong.
Concrete gestures that truly help
Vague promises like "let me know if you need anything" are well-intentioned, but rarely acted upon. A grieving person often doesn't have the energy to ask for help.
Instead, offer specific and immediate actions. Rather than "I'm here if you need", say "I'll drop off a meal for you tonight" or "I can look after the children on Wednesday". This direct approach truly helps and requires no additional effort from the bereaved person.
Practical gestures free up time and mental space to go through grief. Here's how to make yourself genuinely useful.
Material and logistical help
Daily tasks become overwhelming after a death. Here are practical help gestures that really make a difference:
- Doing the shopping and preparing meals (favour dishes that can be reheated)
- Looking after children, taking them to school
- Managing housework, laundry, the garden
- Accompanying to administrative procedures
- Helping to sort through the deceased's belongings when the person is ready
For the first steps after a death, concrete support greatly helps families.
Emotional support and presence
Emotional support doesn't require grand declarations. It relies on active listening and authentic presence.
Listen without trying to solve, advise or compare. Accept silences, tears, contradictory emotions. The person may be angry, relieved, sad or numb: all these reactions are normal.
Suggest simple moments: a coffee, a walk, watching a film together. Respect their pace and their refusals. Sometimes, sitting in silence side by side is enough. Your calm and non-judgemental presence is a precious gift.
Administrative and digital help
Informing those around you and managing communication after a death requires considerable energy. You can help by:
- Contacting loved ones to announce the death
- Publishing an online death notice (Wolky allows you to do this quickly for 180 CHF)
- Creating a memorial page to centralise testimonials
- Managing condolence messages
- Responding to calls and letters
To know how to offer condolences online, consult our practical advice.
Mistakes to avoid at all costs
Even with the best intentions, certain phrases and attitudes can hurt a grieving person. Understanding these common mistakes helps you provide better support.
These mistakes are not serious in themselves, but they can further isolate the bereaved person. The goal is not perfection, but awareness of the impact of our words and gestures.
Here are the most common pitfalls and how to avoid them to offer respectful support for the grieving process.
Phrases that hurt
Certain expressions, even well-intentioned, minimise the pain or impose a vision of grief. Avoid:
- "I understand what you're feeling" (each grief is unique)
- "He/she is in a better place now" (this doesn't console)
- "You must be strong" (vulnerability is legitimate)
- "You're young, you'll rebuild your life" (insensitive and inappropriate)
- "At least he/she didn't suffer" (minimises the loss)
These phrases shut down conversation and invalidate emotions. Prefer silent listening or a simple "I'm sorry".
Clumsy behaviours
Beyond words, certain behaviours can isolate the bereaved person:
- Disappearing for fear of disturbing
- Minimising the pain or comparing bereavements
- Setting a deadline for grief ("it's been X months, you need to move on")
- Giving unsolicited advice
- Talking about your own grief to "help"
- Forcing the person to socialise or to "get better"
Respect each person's unique pace. Grief has no fixed timetable. Your patience and consistency are essential.
How to express your support with the right words
Finding the right words to express your condolences doesn't require eloquence. Sincerity takes precedence over perfection.
Simple expressions work: "I'm truly sorry", "I'm thinking of you", "I'm here". Listen more than you speak. Let the person guide the conversation.
Adapt your message according to your relationship: a colleague doesn't expect the same closeness as a close friend. For detailed advice, consult our guide on how to express your condolences and our examples of messages for all situations.
Supporting over time: beyond the first few days
The bustle of the first few days often masks the reality of grief. It's when everyone returns to their life that loneliness strikes hardest.
Maintain regular contact beyond the funeral. A simple message, a call, a visit: these gestures remind the person that they are not forgotten. The following weeks and months are often the most difficult.
Be particularly present during important dates: birthdays, holidays, the anniversary of the death. Suggest moments to remember the deceased together. Talking about the person who has passed away is often comforting, not painful.
When and how to suggest professional help
Sometimes, grief becomes too heavy to bear alone. Certain signs indicate that professional support would be beneficial:
- Prolonged social isolation
- Inability to function in daily life after several months
- Suicidal thoughts or self-destruction
- Persistent denial of the death
- Severe depression
Approach the subject tactfully: "I've noticed that you're suffering a lot. Have you thought about talking to someone trained?" Normalise this step: seeking help is a sign of courage, not weakness.
In Switzerland, several resources exist: psychologists specialising in grief, support groups, mutual aid associations. A professional offers tools that those around you cannot provide.
Taking care of yourself to better support others
Supporting a bereaved loved one is emotionally demanding. Vicarious grief exists: you may feel sadness, helplessness, fatigue.
Respect your own limits. You cannot "save" the bereaved person, only accompany them. Recognise when you need a break or support for yourself.
Take time to recharge. Talk about your emotions to other loved ones or to a professional if necessary. You'll be better support if you preserve your own emotional balance. Your wellbeing matters too.
Supporting a bereaved loved one requires above all presence, listening and patience. Simple gestures often count more than grand speeches: preparing a meal, running an errand, being there in silence. The essential thing is to remain available over time, because grief doesn't stop after the funeral.
Avoid stock phrases and clumsy comparisons. Favour authenticity and respect for the bereaved person's pace. Don't hesitate to offer concrete help rather than saying "call me if you need anything". And above all, take care of yourself so you can support the other person in the long term.
If you wish to honour the memory of a departed loved one and facilitate sharing with those around you, discover how to express your condolences with sincerity or explore the digital solutions that Wolky offers to create a space for remembrance accessible to all, 24 hours a day.
